Excerpt:

“Looking back now I wish I could tell myself, “Sweet girl, hang in there. Your Father knows something that you don’t. You have a miracle coming. And, she’s coming to you very soon. Remain steadfast.”…”

Excerpt:

“… the bathroom door opened and that’s when I heard it. A school bus load of little girls participating in Vanguard’s spring break camp program for working Vanguard parents. The safe haven of my private, silent bathroom was quickly filled with high pitched voices giggling, shrieking, and laughing -- not exactly the privacy that I was looking for….”

Excerpt:

“…That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was scared to death. (Oh, how I wish I could reach back through the hands of time and wrap my arms around my frightened self with tear-filled eyes, trying so desperately to not let fear overtake my joy.)…”

Excerpt:

“…When the sorrowful winds of the east blow, I forget they are necessary. When I’m being processed, I forget it’s for the sake of ridding me of bitterness. And when I’m being crushed I forget it’s for the sake of my preservation. I forget all these things so easily. I wrestle and cry and honestly want to resist every bit of this. Oh, how I forget. Maybe God knew we all would. And so, He created the olive tree…”

Excerpt:

“…Chris would have been happy keeping the gender a surprise, but I am way too type-a to just “sit back and wait”. I had a nursery that needed to be painted, a monogram to figure out, outfits to buy - all of the things! So, that summer we decided to find out the sex of our babe by throwing a gender reveal party for our family. (If you’ve never tried to explain a ‘gender reveal’ to grandparents in their 80s, it is quite comical)…”

Excerpt:

“…Y’all- when I say that Chris and I couldn’t have been further apart on names, I mean like separate planets apart. I was convinced that this poor baby girl was going to be born nameless. Thankfully, I’d heard that they don’t let you leave the hospital without a name on the birth certificate so I was at least reasonably reassured that she wouldn’t remain “no name mari” forever…”

Excerpt:

“…On the ride back, out of what seemed like nowhere, I was overcome with raw emotion as tears welled up in my eyes and flowed down my cheeks matching the rhythm of the raindrops falling from the sky. All of the sudden my heart hurt for the baby that we lost months ago, but it longed more for the baby on the way…”

Excerpt:

“Gut-wrenching. Soul-shaking. Breath-taking.

The silent suffering is all too familiar. 

Waves of old emotion come flooding back over me- threatening to drown me under the crushing weight of the new waves of grief. 

The familiarity provides no comfort. Instead, my pain is compounded with each gasp for air. 

 Raw. Rejected. Broken. 

 No…”

Excerpt:

“December 31, 2017.

New Year’s Eve. — Champagne. Streamers. Poppers. Auld Lang Syne.

A time to celebrate the ringing in of a new year.

Year’s past, this night would have involved all of those things plus a sparkly new outfit, an all inclusive party package at a fancy hotel, and a night filled with dancing.

December 31, 2017, however, was a bit different…”

Excerpt:

“…I couldn’t get it off my mind. I tried everything to remember when my last cycle had been. Then it hit me. I didn’t have a period last month! Did I have one the month before? I had been so wrapped up in preparing for my surgery, that it didn’t even register. 

I ran to the store to pick up a pregnancy test. The instructions said to take it first thing in the morning. 

I woke up the next morning. Ran to the bathroom. Spent what seemed like forever trying to get the pregnancy test out of the stubborn foil, stumbling with nervous excitement. Finally! I got it out. Then... I waited…”