#5.7:Saying Goodbye To Say Hello

It was November 24th, 2018 when I got a sudden burst of third trimester energy and asked Chris if he was up for a hike. It was a gorgeous fall day and the thought of being outside, breathing in the fresh autumn air seemed like it would do me some good.

We went to our favorite spot - the Wissahickon Valley Park, where we grabbed hot chocolates, watched the streams flow, and hiked over 3 miles. I have to say, I was quite proud of my 9-month pregnant self. 

We finished the trail, grabbed lunch nearby, and headed home just in time before the weather drastically changed and the skies opened up. 

Even in the midst of the pouring afternoon rain, I felt antsy and rest didn’t come easy. I decided to take a drive. I drove in the rain to the sweetest baby store in Wayne, a neighboring town,  and picked out a little Christmas nightgown for Olive. 

On the ride back, out of what seemed like nowhere, I was overcome with raw emotion as tears welled up in my eyes and flowed down my cheeks matching the rhythm of the raindrops falling from the sky. All of the sudden my heart hurt for the baby that we lost months ago, but it longed more for the baby on the way. 

With tear-filled eyes and rain-soaked hair, I walked through our front door, looked at Chris, and said, “I think it’s time that we gather all of Pepper’s keepsakes and memories and tuck them away in her memory box.” 

Truth be told, I’d had the box for some time, but was unable to find the strength to put all of the cards, baby books, and little baby presents away. Gathering everything and storing it in the box felt like saying goodbye all over again. 

But, there was an undeniable tug at my heart that rainy evening told me it was time. 

I grabbed the box, all of her memories, and before closing the lid I wrote to her:

Dear Little One,

I will always love you. Thank you for the privilege of being your mommy for a short time. Words can’t express the excitement or the sorrow I felt in such a short timeframe. Losing you shattered my life and heart in a way I’ve never known before. But it has also allowed the Lord to start a work in my heart that I didn’t realize had become hardened over the years. I find such great comfort knowing that you are in Heaven and will know no pain. I can’t wait for the day when I will meet you face-to-face. I will always love you. 

Love,

Your Mommy 



Not more than a couple of hours later my water broke. 

The Lord knew I needed to say goodbye before I could say hello….